The Day I Finally Held My Boundary

A Real Story About Boundaries, Grace, and the Hard Work of Becoming Yourself Again

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Hey friends,

Have you ever noticed when you are asked to introduce yourself you are traditionally told to give 3 pieces of information. Your name. What do you do? And where are you from? But none of that information actually tells you WHO I AM. Does it?

I was at yoga this morning chatting with my friend Sara about a new person who has joined this same class. Ironically her name is also Sarah (with an h.) Anyway I was telling Sara (no h) how neat I thought the new Sarah was. And No H Sara asked, “How do you know so much about her already?” My simple response was: I like to get to know the person, not just name, rank and serial number.

This got me thinking about me.

Who am I when I’m not:

Heather Roberts Co-Founder of RSG Sales. Heather Roberts who sold and exited her business for over 7-figures. Heather Roberts mom to 3 adult kids. Heather Roberts wife to Josh. Heather Roberts daughter to Pete and Becky. Heather Roberts friend to Sara and Sarah. Heather Roberts dog mom to Nugget and Blue.

All of these roles are in service to someone or something else. I love them but none of them ARE me.

Who am I when I’m not doing?

Do I even know how to be still and sit in silence with that question?

No, I don’t. My dear friend, Jen, says I’m a problem solver which is true. The only problem with that is it’s still doing, not being.

I think I’ve been running from this question of “Who Am I” for decades, if not my whole life. It is practically impossible for me to separate myself from what I do. Literally, my default mode is to make a checklist of things I can DO to define “Who I Am.”

And then I got tested.

It was Wednesday at 8:10am. In all honesty, I skipped yoga and was laying in bed when my phone rang. It was my mom. Dad had fallen, hit his head, and needed to go to the ER. My mom then said these words: “I’m exhausted. I’ll get him there but I am not staying. Work it out with your brother.”

WHAM!

I was thrown right back into the thick of it. All of the hard work I had put in building boundaries flew right out the door. I felt trapped. Once again a victim of my mom’s temperament or maybe temper. Of course I wasn’t going to abandon my dad. Who would do that? Drop off someone who’s hurt like it’s a drive-thru window!

I moved some things around and met my dad at the ER. He was fine. Just needed 6 staples in his head. Ouch! I took him home and gave my mom the lowdown and aftercare instructions.

I drove home. Opened the back door. And screamed. Shouted. Cussed. Cried.

I felt like I had failed. All that hard work. GONE.

Later in the day I realized that I dropped my dad off. I didn’t stay and take care of him. I made my mom do that. It may sound like a small thing but for me it was HUGE.

I woke up the next day and was profoundly sad. It took me the rest of the week and weekend to figure out where that sadness was coming from.

I realized I was sad for my dad—growing older is hard, even harder for him because he has a nerve disease. It just sucks.

I was sad for my mom for the toll his illness has taken on her.

I was sad for me for having to witness the cracks in their marriage.

I woke up Monday morning like I had been hit with a bolt of lightning. I did hold my boundary. It was in a way that felt right at the time. I cannot control my parents, their relationship, or the decisions they make. I can step in and help but also step out.

I finally fucking did it!

I learned that I can be compassionate while being me. I can embrace God’s grace. I can step back and look at the whole picture AND maintain ME! Just me.

I still don’t have a perfect answer to “Who am I when I’m not doing?”

But here’s what I’m learning: maybe the answer isn’t supposed to be clean. Maybe it’s messy and evolving and sometimes I get it right and sometimes I scream in my kitchen because I think I got it wrong.

I’m learning that I can be compassionate while being me. I can embrace God’s grace - for my parents, for myself, for the fact that I’m still figuring this out. I can step back and look at the whole picture AND maintain myself. Just me.

Not Heather Roberts the problem solver. Not Heather Roberts who shows up for everyone. Just Heather.

And honestly? Some days that feels like enough. Other days it feels terrifying.

Because we’ve been taught that our value equals our output. That rest is laziness. That boundaries are selfish. That if we’re not constantly proving our worth, we don’t have any.

But here’s what I know now: We cannot change people who aren’t willing to change. We cannot control the decisions other people make. We can stay true to our values and morals. And we don’t have to do it all, solve it all, or be it all.

Your version of learning to be instead of do will look different than mine. Maybe it’s not a parent emergency. Maybe it’s your kid’s disappointment. Your partner’s expectations. Your boss’s demands. Your own voice in your head telling you you’re not enough unless you’re producing.

But the work is the same: figuring out who you are when you strip away all the roles and the achievements and the endless doing.

I don’t have a checklist for you. I don’t have seven steps to discovering your authentic self. (Wouldn’t that be ironic?)

All I can tell you is this: the next time someone asks you to introduce yourself, try something different. Instead of name, rank, and serial number - instead of what you DO - tell them something true about who you ARE.

What brings you joy that serves no purpose? What have you been running from? What would you do if no one was watching and nothing counted toward your worth?

Sit with those questions. They’re uncomfortable as hell. I know because I’m sitting with them too.

But maybe that discomfort is the point. Maybe that’s where we find ourselves.

xx, Heather

P.S. I’d genuinely love to know: Who are you when you’re not doing? Hit reply and tell me. Not your resume. You.