Permission Triggers: The Science Behind Why We Keep Asking "Is This OK?"
On Monday, we talked about breaking free from the permission paradox and how to stop seeking approval for every business decision. (That navy blue pillow story got quite a few comments - thank you for sharing your own "trust your gut" moments!)
Today, let's dive into something even more interesting - the science behind why we do this in the first place. Because understanding why our brains are wired for permission-seeking is the first step to rewiring them for confidence.
Y'all, let me start with something that happened a few weeks ago. We were working on a new program for our consulting business. We (Josh and I) had set the price for the program and yet I still asked our Ads Manager if he thought it would sell for that price. UGH!!! - something I KNEW was right for my business.
And then it hit me - I was in a permission-seeking spiral again. Even after years of running successful businesses, even after a 7-figure exit, here I was, looking for someone else's approval. Now you see some of the method to the madness of my newsletters.
The Science of Seeking Approval
Here's something fascinating: researchers at Harvard discovered that our brains are actually wired for seeking approval. Think about it - remember teaching your kids to cross the street? "Look both ways," we say, and they look back at us for that final nod. It's a safety thing when they're little, right?
But that pattern doesn't stop in childhood - we just change who we're looking to for that nod of approval. How many of you have snapped a picture of an outfit and sent it to a friend asking "Does this work?" Same pattern, different street to cross.
This goes back to our cave-dwelling days when being accepted by the group meant survival. That hit of dopamine we get when someone validates our choice? That's our ancient brain saying "Yes! The tribe still wants you!"
Your Brain on Permission-Seeking
Scientists have identified three main triggers that activate our permission-seeking behavior:
1. Uncertainty Triggers
- New territory (like setting a price for a new program)
- High-stakes decisions
- Unfamiliar challenges
Your brain: "Better check with others to ensure survival!"
2. Past Experience Triggers
- Childhood conditioning (like learning to cross that street)
- Previous failures
- Cultural programming
Your brain: "Remember what happened last time?" (Personally I hate this one!)
3. Fear Response Triggers
- Risk of rejection
- Potential loss
- Change resistance
Your brain: "What if everyone hates this?"
The Permission-Seeking Cycle
Let me show you how this cycle almost cost me significant business success. At E by Design, my throw pillow company, I faced a major decision about launching our "Everyday Basics" line - you know, solids, stripes, those fundamental pieces that every room needs.
My design team was 100% against it. Their argument? "You can get solid pillows anywhere. This isn't what we're about. Our company name came from the concept of high-level designs!"
The typical permission-seeking cycle would have gone like this:
1. Feel uncertainty (Check!)
2. Seek external validation (My team was giving me plenty of that!)
3. Get temporary relief (By playing it safe)
4. Repeat with next decision
But something in my gut said this was right. So I did something scary - I trusted myself instead of seeking permission. The result? For 18 straight months, our top-selling pillow was a 16" NAVY BLUE pillow. Not some intricate, innovative design. A solid navy blue pillow that my team had advised against.
Breaking Down Your Triggers
Just like teaching a child to eventually cross the street independently, we need to learn to recognize our permission-seeking triggers:
Financial Decisions
- Raising prices
- Making investments
- Hiring decisions
- Major purchases
Business Growth Decisions
- Launching new offerings (like the new consulting program)
- Entering new markets
- Changing business models
- Ending client relationships
Personal Authority Decisions
- Speaking your truth
- Setting boundaries
- Claiming expertise
- Taking up space
The Science of Self-Trust
Here's what's incredible: neuroscience shows that every time you make a decision without seeking permission, you're actually rewiring your brain. You're creating new neural pathways that strengthen your decision-making confidence.
Think of it like this - just as a child gradually learns to trust their own judgment about crossing the street safely, we can learn to trust our business instincts.
Your Trigger-Breaking Action Plan
1. Start a Trigger Tracker (Link to Mine Here)
- Note when you feel the urge to seek permission
- Document the situation
- Rate the intensity (1-10)
- Write down your gut instinct
2. Create a Decision Database
- Record decisions you made independently
- Track the outcomes (like my navy blue pillow win!)
- Note any patterns
- Build evidence of your competence
3. Develop Your Trust Toolkit
- Morning confidence routine
- Decision-making framework
- Personal mantra
- Success documentation
The Brain Science of Breaking Free
Research shows it takes about 66 days to form a new habit. That means in just over two months of conscious practice, you can rewire your brain from permission-seeking to confident decision-making.
Your brain creates new neural pathways every time you:
- Make a decision without seeking approval
- Stand firm in your choices
- Trust your business instincts
- Celebrate your autonomous decisions
Your Next Steps
1. This Week:
- Download the Trigger Tracker template
- Notice your permission-seeking moments
- Document your triggers
- Make ONE decision without seeking approval
2. This Month:
- Review your common triggers
- Create your personal response plan
- Build your evidence bank
- Celebrate your progress
Remember: Every time you trust yourself, you're literally rewiring your brain for greater confidence and success. Just like that child who eventually crosses the street confidently on their own, you can learn to trust your own judgment in business.
Drop a comment below with your most common permission-seeking trigger - let's work through this together!
xx,
Heather
P.S. Next time you feel the urge to ask "Is this okay?" - remember my navy blue pillow story. Sometimes the best decisions are the ones we make when we finally stop looking for permission!